A writer, they say, writes. This makes me a sysadmin, queer/poly pervert, a geek, but certainly no kind of writer the way I’ve been neglecting my blogging. And, really, the whole point was that I was trying to improve my writing habits. But, I’m not writing it off yet. (See what I did there? It was a pun, people! A writing-related pun! HAH! Oy…)

So, I’m going to check in and tell you about the nosebleed-inducing highs and the soul-grinding lows of late. All three of you who still read this blog after months of basic fallowness.

I’m not breaking down, I’m breaking out…last chance to lose control!

Some of the highs, it turns out, were chemical. And they were helping me screw some things up in epic fashion. If any mental health or medical profession ever again tries to prescribe me any form of Wellbutrin, they’re getting a smack. I mean it. The stuff is seriously no good for me. It and another antidepressant called Remeron were effectively doing bugger-all for me and canceling one another out for some months as my primary-care was at his wit’s end trying to help me medicate myself out of The Tale of Woe™. (One of these days, I’ll post a timeline of that. Long story short, it was about 3.5 years of my life during which the universe seemed to be conspiring to turn me into emotional road-pizza.)

Actually, that’s not true, it wasn’t accomplishing nothing. It was draining my pocketbook horribly on my current employer’s horrible high-deductible + HSA health care plan.

So, my newly-referred psychiatrist thought it would be peachy-keen to step me down off the Remeron first, leaving the Wellbutrin unchecked (and the truly marvelous Cymbalta as the only really effective med for me in the cocktail). And the resulting behavior prompted my therapist to say I was acting like a bipolar person in their “manic” phase—euphoric, out of control, and in my case even more oblivious to the concerns and needs of those around me.

I ended up burning my romantic relationship with wee Amy (tho thankfully not my friendship), screwing up so badly at Bawdy they asked me not to come back, and so obsessively seeking new partners that I almost drove the lovely Renie away completely.

Once I came down, I was (to continue to overuse the word) mortified at myself. I can’t think of a single relationship I didn’t strain, romantic, platonic, or employment.

Don’t try to keep your composure, I’m only having a laugh…

But there were happy things, too! My relationship with Renie has been intense and amazing. Even if we don’t make it (though I still have this odd presentiment that we will…I could be wrong, but I don’t think I am), it’s nice to know that I can feel chemistry that intense for anyone, and that someone so miraculous could feel it for me.

I’ve also been seeing two delightful women named Amy C and Kanane, who’ve just been wonderful to me. I guess my polyamory isn’t “academic” anymore, and what’s more it’s really nice to settle into a groove without feeling obsessive about meeting new partners every which where and all the time.

My longstanding friendship with a woman who’s always impressed the hell out of me—Heather—deepened in a wondrous way, as has my friendship with Amy of Chasing Amy, who’s also damned impressive. Chasing Amy has also been responsible for some of the more interesting and sexy stories of my recent life, for which there will be future blog posts, have no fear. (Teases: “Best…housewarming…EVAR,” “Pasta and strippers!” and, “FIVE?!? And a boy in the room?”)

I’ve also made new friends, like the astonishing Mags, and reconnected via the Internet panopticon of Facebook with two friends I’ve known from birth (mine or theirs, depending), Nick and Sam.

And Polly! Never has anyone made me look so good as this camera-slinging Photoshop goddess. She’s sweet, kind, and talented. How could I know her for a couple of years and only now start to realize how cool she is?

I am so surrounded by exceptional people. And they all, oddly, seem to like me. How cool is that?

The psychiatrist poses as psychologist…

And my therapy has gotten in-fucking-tense. We’re into all the crappy childhood imprints I took that have been holding me back since time immemorial and perennially making me feel like a loser and a failure. I’ve been avoiding talking to my mother for months now knowing that, after our last conversation was the straw that broke the camel’s back, the next time I talk to her I was have to read her the riot act. She still wants me in her life things are gonna have to change, swiftly and permanently, ’cause I’m not having it anymore.

*sighs* What a fucking cliché.

But this is going out to all my friends…I need your help. I need your encouragement. I need you all to check in with me and help me overcome all this crap in my head that keeps me from doing things for me. Doing things for others, never a problem. Other people deserve things, and the people around me are so worthy of happiness and success.

But I’m having such a hard time making those baby steps toward feeling like I deserve things, too, and not neglecting myself horribly. So help me not lose sight of my goals and wants, OK? I really need you guys now.

You all rock. And speaking of rock, 10 Scooby Snacks to whoever can name all the songs quoted in my section headers without Googling ‘em. (Not that I could prove you didn’t Google them, of course…)

But I won’t wait two %^@!*($#^ing months to write again.

…you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.“
—Ferris Bueller

So, you may have noticed it’s been a couple of months since I blogged last. Life has been crazy to say the least. My new job has become hectic to a point of making me wish I could clone myself even despite the inevitable rent that would cause in the fabric of space and time…or maybe just an amusing xXxenophile vignette.

My fling with Amy ran it’s course, but I still adore her and have a sneaking suspicion she’ll be around in my life for the foreseeable future. And it was delightful while it lasted. She’ll forever have a special place in my memory and my heart as the girl who helped me get my groove back.

‘Sides, if not for her, I never would have been shining as brightly as I was when I met Renie at a women’s pool party over at the delightful House Weirdness. And the *click* was probably heard around the world.

I’ve had a lot of partners and lovers. A lot. I’ve had several primary partners. None of them have ever been on the same wavelength with me like Renie is. I’ve finally found my partner in crime. As poly as I am, as kinky as I am, as desiring of adventures together and separately as I am…and seems to know more about making life good than I do despite being 10 years my junior. I’m in love…truly, madly, deeply.

But I’ve also met a bevy of beautiful Amazons…more on that later. That’s important.

I’ve also found some new motivations and meanings in my life…both long-term and short-term. I’ve already alluded to one of the short-term ones: Geek Salon. Part intellectual salon, part geek house party. Something like a mini-BayCon every month. I’ll talk more about it later, but I will make it happen and you’ll hear all about it here.

The other idea is one I’d had for a long time, but it took meeting a wonderful woman named Beth to crystallize with the right metaphor…the right name: Amazons. In a queer women’s culture that seems to be obsessed with butches, andros, genderqueers, and FTMs (not that there’s anything wrong with them, mind), and in which even a group calling itself the “Femme Posse” was a disappointing queer ladies’ auxilliary that seemed to do nothing but plan Butch Appreciation Day, it’s time for the powerful, femme-loving femmes (even if they love others in addition to their fellow femmes…no one’s demanding exclusivity here) to reclaim their space and their pride in the community, dangit.

And I’m going to make it happen…create my own private Themiscyra. I want it to be a thing…a meme…an identity. When a gaggle of fierce femmes shows up at the dyke bar/play party/club/whatever, I want heads to turn and people to whisper in awe, “The amazons are here!” And we’ll have our own space for just us, in person and online. I’ll start it…but I want my fellow amazons to join in and make it as great as I know it can be.

In the long term, I think I need to work on how to stop the damage that I now realize was done to me growing up. I’ve been so hampered in figuring out who the hell I am, loving that person, and in reaching out for what I want…feeling like I actually deserve it, and deserve happiness.

As my therapy goes on, the shape of it is becoming clearer through the haze of non-stop, low-grade (and sometimes rather intense) pain that was my childhood. More and more I see how I was discouraged from being me at every step along the way by my family, my peers, my circumstances. I still struggle with the idea of doing things for myself, from the mundane tasks of self-maintenance to the achieving of life-goals and the realizing of desires.

I’ve started reading books by a very interesting psychologist named Jane Middleton-Moz. In specific, her books Children of Trauma: Rediscovering Your Discarded Self (in which she explains that trauma isn’t just colossally bad individual incidents, but can also be an accumulation of smaller mini-traumas…and that the reactions of the significant adults in a child’s life can be more harmful than the traumas themselves…or they can practically delete the damage if they’re handled right) and Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise (reasonably self-explanatory).

I wonder if I’ll have to go back to college and study developmental psych now. Maybe I can find another way to advance the cause. We’ll see. Goodness knows I don’t want to be fixing computers and telling people how to access their basic application preferences for the rest of my working life, even if it’s paying the bills for now.

But first let me get Geek Salon and Themiscyra going.

It’s nice to have both short- and long-term goals, eh? I’m finding it to be!

BTW, shout-outs to Amazons I’ve met in recent weeks not mentioned above (in roughly chronological order): Dana K, Jetta, Tora, Celestina, Lucy, Lori, Violet, Tegan, and Brandi. You’re all amazing and you kick much booty. My Themiscyra is open to you all!